Sex problems - like sex - are better when shared

Trigger warning. This article includes discussion on the topics of sex, sexual fantasies, and brief mention of sexual assault and trauma. Please be aware of this if you intend to continue reading. This article is written to help raise awareness of sexual differences, and sexual health.

Over my time as a counsellor I've had countless discussions with clients about what I'd call the big ticket mental health problems; addiction, depression, anxiety, stress, grief, loss, relationship issues - they're all regular passengers on the counselling bus. And that's probably what most of us would expect.

But something that a lot of people struggle to mention, or to bring into the conversation, is the problems they have with sex.

So today, I want to talk about three unique areas that men in particular struggle to bring to counselling; something I want to change.

1: Not having 'good' sex

Let's start by demystifying sex a little.

Sex work is the oldest profession on the planet, and sex - whether you believe in the religious or scientific viewpoints - is something that has been with us since the birth of human beings, whether that's Adam and Eve, or Homo Erectus (feel free to snigger!) Every single one of us exists today through at least one (and hopefully two) orgasms.

So sex is, in other words, normal and human.

Most of us are comfortable understanding that sex should be part of a healthy relationship. But what doesn't get talked about as much, is that bad sex can the problem. So, what does bad sex mean?

Bad sex is sex that isn't the sex we want. I don't mean forced or coerced sex here to be clear - I mean sex that doesn't provide what we want, what our bodies need.

All of us have, at some point, had bad sex. We all know what it feels like to go through the motions, and walk away afterwards feeling somewhat empty and unsatisfied. This might mean having sex that feels perfunctory, or clinical in nature. Or having the same sex over and over, without exploration and play. If this happens in a short-term relationship that's probably not the end of the world - but if it's within a long-term relationship or marriage, then that can have serious complications.

Because having bad sex means we begin to feel disengaged from the process. We begin to 'check out'. We often talk about sexless marriages, but what we often miss is that sexless relationships often start with bad-sex relationships, where one or both partners stop having sex, because it's simply not the sex they want.

So what is good sex?

In short, that's the sex that you like, in your relationship, and in a way that your partner likes too. Sometimes however, we get bad sex instead of good sex because we simply aren't good at talking about it. We aren't good at asking for what we need.

So, one tip is to do just that - talk to your partner about what you like. Sexologists are available to help with this, if you're not comfortable finding ways to talk about sex directly. But it's important to note that the road to no sex starts with bad sex. And the road to an amazing sex life starts with open, honest communication.

And that can be an issue, for men; especially men of a certain age, who's sexual education might have consisted of some rough-drawn diagrams on a chalk board and a few mumbled directions from parents. We're not good at communicating in general, sometimes - and talking about what we need, as males, can be extremely difficult. It doesn't help that we're often surrounded by a society that promotes a simple story about us. Men "think about sex every 12 seconds", men "Just want one thing", men "are ruled by their 'smaller head'", the list of untrue yet widely accepted 'truths' goes on and on. And so opening up to anyone about our sex lives can feel like taking the biggest risk in the world. It's just not socially acceptable for a guy to talk with his friends about what good sex is, or how to get it, or what they want.

To be clear, I am not a sexologist, and will only refer you to one if you were to contact me with this as your primary goal. But I implore men who are struggling with this issue to seek help, and begin talking with your partner. And if bad sex is just one part of your life - talk to your counsellor now.

Sex is only a part of any relationship; love, romance, intimacy and friendship are all important aspects too - but without good sex, wider problems can easily come along and bring that relationship down.

Not having any sex at all

Sometimes, as outlined in the previous section, having no sex has come from having bad sex. One partner, or possibly both, begins to pull away from the other, and avoid having sex regularly. Sex happens less and less often, and less sex begins to feel more and more normal, until there's none at all. One step at a time, until you look back over your shoulder and realise it's been months, or even years.

But other times, there are reasons. And from a male perspective, I think it's worth looking at a few of those.

Sexual dysfunction

There are a number of things that can cause dysfunction for a man. Sometimes these can be misdiagnosed, and us men are usually the worst culprits of that - since it's easier to self-diagnose and then hide from the problem, than it is to go see a specialist and 'flop that problem on the table', as it were.

So let's start with the fact that this is common. Worldwide it is estimated that at least 40% of men will encounter this issue. That's nearly half of all men. Around 20-25% of men will suffer from premature ejaculation - although again, self diagnosis is a problem here, since most men believe the average length of time 'other men' take is far longer than is fact (hint - it's around 4 minutes!)

Firstly, it is really important to note that there are potential physical reasons for sexual dysfunction, and these are well worth ruling out right off the bat, as they are potentially life threatening. Poor heart performance and cardiovascular health is just one reason to look at physical health first.

Once that is done, there are good strong psychological reasons to explore. Men are, unfortunately, sexually abused in higher numbers than society cares to admit, and trauma or abuse of a sexual nature can come back to haunt us later in life. This can absolutely lead to sexual dysfunction.

And then finally, there is the relationship to consider. Some people believe that you just need to show a man a pair of boobs and he's 'ready to go' - but unless you're talking about a teenager with raging hormones that's almost never the case. It might sound strange to some, but men can need eroticism and intimacy before sex, to 'get into the mood', just as much as woman do.

So if you're struggling with sexual dysfunction, start with your GP, get yourself checked out - but then move on to talk to a counsellor, to see where else the problem may lie.

Porn

In many ways, porn is like chilli powder.

We start with a little, because it adds spice to our life; especially today when porn is ubiquitous and (in many cases) free. Where's the harm, right?

Only before you know it, that little bit of chilli no longer tastes spicy. So we add a bit more. We need more stimulation, as what was new and erotic before is now expected and normal - so we step it up. We add more chilli, and more, and more - until we're watching content that we never thought we'd watch, having fantasies that we never thought were a part of us, just trying to get that spice back. It has become an addiction.

And the problem here is that once we're addicted to porn, nothing but the spiciest chilli will help - sex becomes like porridge without any flavouring. Getting an erection is now a hopeless endeavour.

Like all addictions, porn addiction can ruin your life. It needs to be treated like an addiction, with help and support and a process that curtails and removes that substance from your life.

One thing I encounter as a counsellor is men who are using porn as a way to cope with having less sex in their marriage - without realising that the porn itself is absolutely contributing to reducing the sex in that marriage.

So if porn is a part of your world, it's definitely worth talking to a counsellor.

Addictive alternatives

When our relationships are in trouble, it's not uncommon for people to turn away from their partner and towards a substance. That can be drugs but is most often, in Australia, alcohol. The home becomes an unhappy place, so you escape to the pub and 'sink a few'.

And this is where again you find addiction rearing its head and working to reduce the sex you might possibly be having.

Drinking has a huge impact on physical performance as well, so even when you discount the risks of addiction, the damage that 'turning to drink' does to your relationship and the side effects of inebriation, you've still got the greatly increased risks of erectile dysfunction - or partial performance - due to drink.

So whilst it might look like it's a solution, it often quickly becomes a part of the problem.

Having a sex 'kink'

This is something that I think far too few people talk about. So, let's talk about it.

A kink can be defined as: A tight curl, twist, or bend in a length of thin material, as one caused by the tensing of a looped section of wire.

A sexual kink is, in many ways, the same: a sexual fantasy or desire that is uncommon. In my experience, a 'twisting' of the initial sexual desire' by some external force or input, that leads to a kinked fantasy or need.

First, I would like to say and reinforce one thing: "There is no normal!"

No such thing.

We are all different, and when it comes to desires and fantasies, there is literally every conceivable shape and colour under the sun. There are some that you've probably heard of, such as BDSM - which can mean Bondage, Domination, Submission and Sadomasochism. The most popular example of this is the book and movie series 50 Shades of Grey, which presented one experience of BDSM.

You might be reading this and thinking "that's not me!" And you may be right - but it might also surprise you to know that if you like a little slap on the bum, or a little 'rough play' in the bedroom, or the idea of furry handcuffs, or a blindfold during sex being fun - then you're into BDSM. Just a little maybe, but that's a kink.

And that is just the start of a whole world.

For many, early sexual experiences can lead to fetishes or kinks that become a core part of who they are. They can become a key part of their internal world - but that is a world the rest of us don't always understand, or support. For example there are many men who have what we call a 'foot fetish'; being turned on by the sight of a woman's foot in sexy heels, for example. There's little science on where this might start - but it's not hard to imagine how a young male child might be exposed to the legs and feet of larger, caring women walking past him while he sits and plays, and how those images might remain and 'wire in' to his sexual maturity in later years.

In many ways, this is just a different form of normal, a different shape the plant can grow in. It makes sense. But in society, we joke at the expense of people who feel this way. We belittle them, make them outcasts.

And so not only is it hard to cope with their own kink, but now they have to go through life hiding it from others, lest they be judged, or shamed, for it. I have seen clients struggle with this, struggle with their own kink, where it came from, how it is impacting their lives, and how they can move forward supporting both their needs and those of a partner who may not share that kink at all. I have seen first hand the pain it causes.

So here's what I'd like to add to this conversation.

Kink - and sex - can be healing. They can provide a healing space, and empower us.

One simple example of this can sometimes be found in people who have suffered sexual violence. In someone who's been raped or violated sexually, you might not expect them to fantasise about being taken against their will. To be tied and held, controlled whilst another takes you.

But it can be the case that some find this an empowering fantasy to build into their lives, a new kink that develops with a useful purpose. They can reclaim what was taken from them, 'own' the experience on their own terms, in essence 'be in control of not being in control' within a safe environment, and begin to heal. I am not saying this is always the case, neither am I saying that this is a recommended pathway to healing trauma.

But I am saying that both sex and kink can be healing.

But to be healing, we have to accept ourselves. And to accept ourselves, we sometimes need the help of a person who can help us understand ourselves a little more.

And this is something that we men, particularly those of us dealing with kink issues and shame - need to learn to do. So, reach out. Reach out to me, to others, to someone, and get help. Start talking about sex - it's a healing thing to do.

Please, take care of yourselves, and each other.